Constraints.

Constraints is a funny word, isn't it?  Universally thought as negative (time constraints, money constraints -- all limiting), constraints is a word last night used by Mary's mother to discuss why now was the time for me to start my Ph.D. program.

"You'll never have any less constraints than you do right now," she said. 

Constraints meaning a husband, children, a mortgage.

She's right.  With that one turn of phrase, she made my mind whirl in a thousand directions -- all making me realize that sometimes "constraints" aren't necessarily negative.  I wouldn't ever say a husband, children and a mortgage are negatives, but yet, defining them as constraints does make me think.

*************
I'm applying to Florida International University in Miami for my Ph.D. in Public Administration, with a minor in Political Science.  I need to retake the GRE (horrors!) but am steadily compiling my info to send in to them.  I should be completed by the end of February, then just waiting to hear.  I hope I get in.  On the work front, I have permission from my boss to adjust my work schedule accordingly, which makes for that commute to Miami once a week much more doable.

*************
In other huge, unbelievable, Thank-God-I-Am-Living-Where-I-Am news, Mary's dad offered to work with me to get a paper published.  I am absolutely floating above myself today at the thought.  I am where I am supposed to be.  The stars have aligned.

The purr-monster hath awakened.

This morning I woke up around 5.  Insomnia is a weird thing for me, strikes at odd times and often, like today, it strikes when it is conceivable that I *could* be awake but I so don't want to be.

And then there is Caesar.  Sweet, 10 year old Caesar, who is a true loverboy when he wants to be.  He is purring so loudly I can barely hear myself type.  I need to put him on tape (boy, that just aged me) or something because his purr is something I cannot imagine doing without.

Loud, growly and almost symphonic in its tonal changes, his purr transcends the average happy cat purr.  His purr is that of a much bigger cat but he works it nonetheless.

As soon as I'm up, I turn on the bathroom sink for him (just a little bit) so he can get a fresh drink of water.  After I do this (and today, I crawl back into my cozy bed), he starts his happiness symphony which resonates throughout my bedroom.  He is lying on my "guest" pillow, just purring away.  Ahh, the sounds of a happy kitty make my heart sing.

It is a part of the soundtrack to my life and I love every moment.

Taxes and breathing

The only two things I can count on that will go on and on.

Okay, so maybe not *my* breathing, in particular, but some thing, somewhere, drawing breath. 

I received my W2 from my employer on Wednesday.  This only made me more paranoid about taxes this year.  When I packed my office, I did an okay shitty job of it, so I think I kinda know where the items in question could be.  Maybe.  Sorta.  I mean, there in a box somewhere, damnit.  Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.  I'm hosed.  Just take me to tax jail now.  I look like hell in orange or stripes too.  Fuck.

*****************

I've been thinking about my life lately.  A whole lot about it, in fact.  I would call it Deep Thoughts, but they've mostly been pretty shallow.  Not kiddie-pool shallow, but not exactly mind-blowing either.  Mostly the thoughts have centered around: travel, real estate, going back to school, relationships and sex.  Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily the same amount of thought for each.  I wish I knew as much about life as I seemed to know at age 15.  I was a rock-star genius (or so I thought).  Now I'm just one more tangled mess of emotions and thoughts caught in the tidepool of life. 

*****************

And so it goes ....

(thanks, K.V., for being so eloquent ... )

Total Brain Dump

Some stuff has been stewing in my brain this week, so this won't be a logical progression ... just a moment where I empty out what has been cluttering the dark recesses of my brain.
********

Today is Hex's birthday.  He's 46 today.  I've been thinking about this all week, as six years ago today I threw a hell of a party for him (and his identical twin brother) with friends and family surrounding us.  So much time has passed, so much water under that bridge.  I wish him well ... and hope he finds what he is looking for AND is willing to make the changes necessary to bring about happiness in his life.

Today is also my friend Steve's birthday.  He would have been 63 today.  I'll be calling Luana today to tell her I am thinking of her and that I miss Steve too.

I am apparently super duper hot to men in their 50s.  Last night was a guy who is 51, a couple of kids ten years younger than I am.  Great guy, rather cute but too old for me.  I did wrangle him into a donation for my employer, so not all was lost. 

I head off to Tallahassee next week for four days.  I travel on Monday, super-shmoozing on Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday in a conference, then return Thursday night.  I've never been to Tallahassee, not sure what to expect, but can mark off another state capitol off my list.

I need to up my 401k contribution.  Maybe writing this down will finally trigger me to get that done.

I am shocked and amazed that a man was pulled out of the rubble in Haiti on Tuesday.  Two Freaking Weeks in the rubble.  WTF are the odds? 

I heard someone use Whiskey Tango Foxtrot for WTF the other day and laughed.  Hard.

Lots of outside-the-immediate-family drama going on right now.  Nothing really to say about that except: 1) not unexpected and 2) not surprising.

Ate some crazy good food yesterday at lunch in LaBelle, FL.  Flora and Ella's restaurant.  Down home cooking and pie, OMG, the pie.  I had peanut butter pie yesterday and nearly had to excuse myself to lie down.  It was that good.

Work continues to go well.  I still love my job, still love what I do.  I'm super blessed.

Received the blessing of my boss to go ahead and apply to grad school for my Ph.D.  She said we'd work out my work schedule so that I can go.   I have been turning mental cartwheels ever since.

The tug, the pull ...

I don't know what it is lately, the pull of parenthood is driving me insane.  The term "biological clock" always seemed to me like mine was permanently on snooze. 

When I was with Hex, we had intended on having children.  A couple of kiddos or so, in fact, was what we discussed.  As the marriage entered year 2 (and when we started thinking more seriously about having kiddos), the problems that arose made me more and more determined to not only be on the pill, but have an IUD, spermicide, female condom ... you name it, to avoid pregnancy.  After the marriage imploded in so many millions of pieces, I concentrated on me and putting *me* back together.  I was more concerned with not torturing some poor soul who happened to wander into my life, let alone bringing an innocent child into the full-on mess that my life had become.

So here we are.  Four years post marriage, no closer to having children than I was when I first got married 7 years ago. 

Lately, though, I have to say, I've been thinking about kids a lot.  Like whether I do want them (I do) and what it means that my time to have them, sans major industrial tinkering with my body, is limited.  For years I'd joke with my mom that if she pushed for grandkids too hard, she could give me $20 and I'd go out to the bar and buy drinks for the future father of her grandchild.  

I don't want that.  I want the whole deal.  Marriage, kids, family, life.   I don't have any interest in being a single mom.  I don't want to go through what my mom did -- and believe me, she went through a lot.

The thought process on this always comes to the forefront of my mind after seeing the newest baby pics of family and friends.  Today it was a picture of a coworker's baby.  He and his wife met when she came into his office.  Less than a year later they were married, and just had their baby girl in November.  I saw her picture today -- she's gorgeous.  And the tugging began in earnest.

The clock is ticking.  Kinda loud, in fact.  I better buy some earplugs.

Visitors, visitors, visitors

In all of my 15 years of living in Indianapolis, I did not have visitors as I have had living in Florida.  Amazing, isn't it -- move to a warmer climate and visitors come out of the woodwork. 

This is not a bad thing, not by any means, I enjoy hosting friends and family.  Just wondering if I should just buy a small motel and call it a day :)  I pointed out one to Jay this weekend, told him I ought to buy it and all my friends that I want to retire with in the future should buy their "time share" now -- and then I can say I'm booked 30 years in advance :)

This weekend, a friend from my Ivy Tech days is coming down with her husband.  They are not staying with me, however, I'll catch up with them for a meal and/or beverage while they are here basking in the Florida sunshine. 

The following weekend, I'm free (so far), then the next two are with Mom (here) then another week off, then a few days with some more coworkers from Ivy.  Yes, I keep a calendar.  It is the only way I can keep track of this.

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Gained another blog-follower yesterday.  Don't have any idea who it is, but welcome to you "booklist."  Always glad to have followers although I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would follow my blather, especially those that don't know me.

**********
Big meeting tonight at work, so no Zumba tonight.  Instead I'll go to the Friday night class.  No comments necessary on how I have no plans other than Zumba for Friday night, thankyouverymuch. 

So much on my mind.

I shouldn't have napped so long today, as my sleep schedule is now officially "off."

I talked to Jason tonight.  This past Saturday was his 37th birthday and I sent him a care package of a few things I found for him.  Nothing pricey, mind you, just a few things I thought he'd like.  He left me a long message on Saturday night, thanking me for the stuff and telling me about his birthday celebration.

We talked tonight, a half hour, the longest time we've talked by far since I called things off back in July. 

I realized tonight that I still miss him.  Our Sundays spent in jammies, watching football and eating snacks -- our trip to Wisconsin -- his trip here.

If it was meant to be, it would have happened.  It didn't and I know that's for the best.  That doesn't keep me from missing him.  *sigh*

Athena's Great Adventures

Jay of Plays With Sirens

Angela and I on our Everglades Tour

This weekend was chock-a-block full of activities.  Seriously, I took a nap today when Jay left. 

Okay.

Angela came down on Thursday night.  We went to the Sandy Parrot, my local watering hole, for some oldster sightings, dinner and beverages.  All were accomplished and then we headed back to my place for more talking then sleep.  Friday was all about the Everglades.  Angela had asked to go to Ding Darling National Wildlife Refuge, but the park was closed on Friday, so we elected to head south to the Everglades and see what was going on.  We ended up at Everglades National Park and Big Cypress National Wildlife Refuge.  Both were incredible, the sights are fabulous.  I highly recommend a tour down that way.  After a full day of merriment, I ended the day with her by taking her to Stan's Idle Hour Restaurant in Goodland, FL.  Stan's, as you may remember, is stuff of legend.  Angela was most impressed by the sights at Stan's and was absolutely shocked out of her mind by Flair Hair.  For the uninitiated, Flair Hair is fake hair, sewn onto a visor.  I laughed until my sides hurt.  Following Stan's -- where we were absolute babes despite smelling like wild hogs and looking like hags (but 30 years younger than the rest of the crowd) -- we grabbed some fast food and headed home.

On Saturday was our trip to Ding Darling, Sanibel and Captiva Islands.  We had a great day checking it all out, despite the preponderance of oldsters that I threated to take out repeatedly.  In an interesting note, I believe I sighted the woman who was the inspiration for the Maxine character in the Hallmark ads.  She had a purple sweatshirt, big glasses, poofy gray/white hair, khaki pants, surly attitude and a cigarette.

Maxine at Captiva Island.

Sunday was a little more relaxing, with the morning spent getting breakfast and a pedicure.  Our one good deed of the day was when we were looking for a pedicure place and happened upon an older gentleman who had fallen on the pavement -- cutting his head and ruining his glasses.  I stopped the car and we both leapt out, asking if he wanted us to call 911.  He did not, and fortunately, another gentleman came running up to us and this allowed me to get some napkins from my car, as well as a antibacterial wipe, to help clean him up.  He was pretty shook up (as we were after) and the gentleman that helped us assisted him into the sheriffs' station, which was in the building right behind us.  Although we did help him, I honestly don't know how people do this every day.  I was so shook up and sick to my stomach after, I'm not sure that I have ever been meant to do that line of work.  The gentleman was probably late 80s and clearly had fallen a few times before, as he told us: "sometimes he gets dizzy."   I may stop by the sheriffs' station to see what ever happened to him.

Following that, we went home and sat for a bit, waiting for the pedicure place to open.  After our pedi, it was time to meet Jay, as he arrived for his two day stay just as Angela was leaving.  We all went to Miller's Ale House in Gulf Coast Town Center for food, beverages and the Colts game.  Unfortunately, the place was "lousy with Jets fans" as Jay put it, so after I took Angela to the airport, Jay and I changed locations to the World Famous Cigar Bar in GCTC for the second half.  Our first impression of the place was a good one, as one of the guys was dressed in full Colts garb.  Turns out he was the marketing director for the WFCB and he was from Muncie, having moved to FL in 1996.  We each enjoyed a cigar as we drank a Presidente beer and cheered the Colts to victory.  It was a tremendous day.  After the game ended, we traveled to Mary and Lee's house so I could introduce Jay to them.  After all, they had gotten crabs for him, which they had passed to me, which were then to be passed from Jay to his wife, Jen. 

Stone Crabs, that is ;)

After some good convo at Mary and Lee's, we headed to the Sandy Parrot for dinner.  We managed to get in some of the Saints/Vikings game, then retired to my lanai for some Spotted Cow beer in our new beer mugs (Thanks Jay!) while he enjoyed another cigar. 

This morning was supposed to be golf, however, with thunderstorms in the forecast and lightening flashing, we elected to pursue other plans.  We had breakfast, went to the downtown FM marina, went to the original World Famous Cigar Bar location in downtown FM and met the owners.  Jay will soon be the proud owner of a signed Rocky Patel cigar box, which I will be retrieving from the GCTC location.  We also toured a couple of firehouses at Fort Myers Beach.  We attempted to ship home the stone crabs, but after looking at the prices, I sent him on his way with some dry ice and a cooler, for hauling on the plane.

After Jay left, I took a four hour nap.  I was exhausted (but in a good way). 

I think I've got to go back to work to get some rest.

Four Day Vacation.

I hadn't really planned on taking tomorrow (Friday) or Monday off work -- I figured I'd take a few hours here, a few hours there and take one day total. 

Then my coworker, TV, told me that was silly, I wouldn't want to come to work for only a few hours on Monday and that Friday, I'd be ready to leave a little after today. 

She's right.

And now I have a plan for tomorrow with Angela, and a plan for Monday with Jay, and life is quite good.  I'm thinking tomorrow is a tour of a local state park, Saturday at Ding Darling National Wildlife Refuge, Sunday is some golf & cigar bar touring, and Monday is a tour of a local cigar factory.  Two different friends, two different agendas, one hell of an awesome weekend. 

Blogroll ... thinning of the herd

For those of you that have not blogged in 6+ months, I'm deleting you off the blogroll as of today.  Should you come back online, let me know, I'll add you back. 

Morning.

Morning is my single favorite time of day.  Perhaps because I'm most awake in the mornings -- perhaps because I never feel more alive than morning.  I don't know.  What I do know is this -- my walk this morning (1.5 miles) as the sun rose was one of the single most beautiful things I've done for myself in a long while.  As the sun rose, I was getting my walk on, listening to my music (softly) so I could hear the birds begin their morning chirps.  I was able to see lots of ducks, a white koi in the pond and a few sparrows.  The air was crisp, clean and beautiful and each moment the sun rose a little higher, the lighting on the palms changed.  I can't tell you how many times I smiled to myself at the beauty that surrounded me this morning.

Coming home to my flowers on my steps and porch just rounded out the walk nicely -- I am so glad that I updated the flowers and herbs this weekend.  :)

Zumba Kicked My Ass

I don't know that any single pore of my body didn't sweat tonight at Zumba class.  Basically, it is various forms of dance, set to music for an hour.  I was moving, grooving, shaking, sweating and having a blast.  The good news is that it really goes fast, because of the focus on the dance moves and getting them right.  The bad news is that you know how long you've been there because at the end, your shirt can stand up and walk itself home after. 

The instructor apparently used to be 180 lbs after the birth of her two children but used Zumba to get back into shape.  Given that she has a totally cute shape, I'd love to follow her lead on this :)

Good day at work overall. 

Not much to report.

Long weekend ...

I was delighted to have today off work.  I had some things I wanted to get done around the house and an extra day off provides that wonderful incentive to get those tasks done. 

Those tasks included: spray painting a bike basket that I want to install on my bike, planting new flowers for my patio, planting new herbs (the last ones were frozen out), doing some moderate cleaning and getting a workout in.

With the gardening I did, plus 20 minutes on Wii Fit, I feel like I got my workout in.  I did boxing on Wii Fit and I must say, I was definitely panting after my workout.  I'm sure I could have done more and will do more but it was nice to just get in that 40 minutes of workout for today.

The new petunias (red, white, purple) look gorgeous on my porch.  The new herbs are settling in nicely.

I also helped Mary put together a cornice board today for Mary and Lee's rear patio door.  I must say, for my never attempting a cornice board upholstry before, it looks mighty good.  I am proud of myself. 

Getting the house ready for some upcoming friend visits ... am so excited for their arrival :)

Tomorrow night is Zumba again.  Wish me luck. 

Oh Dear Mary

Just when you think awkward conversations with your parents are a thing of the past --

this morning, talking to Mom as I do every morning, Mom says: "What happened to Rugby? I haven't heard you mention him in awhile."

After a short answer to that question, Mom then says "Have you tried eHarmony?"

Okay, seriously. I have tried it in the past, and it provided me two of the worst dates in recorded history ever attended by any two people at any one time. Oh, and both of those dates occurred in one weekend and shortly after that, I cancelled my eHarmony subscription because: a) I'm not a complete sadomasochist and b) paying for introductions to people that are completely and utterly WRONG for me isn't my idea of a good time.

I had some good conversations this weekend with C and T regarding marriage and kids ... both of them would have their kids all over again but wouldn't get married again. Interesting.

So -- dating. I guess with how things ended with Rugby, I'm just not in the mood to date. I felt betrayed and stupid -- neither are feelings I wish to have at any time. For now, I'm just gonna enjoy my life and not worry about dating.

*sigh* When your mother feels like she needs to input on your pitiful lack of dating, the level of pathetic has reached a new basement.

Key West

Was back in Key West again this weekend -- brief visit with my friend C and her (and now my) friend T.

C and T both discussed Key West with me -- I've been once before, it's not like I'm an expert by any means, but I think I have a pretty good handle on the town and what is going on. Both asked me why anyone would live in Key West.

My thoughts were as follows: it is a great place to escape reality. Key West doesn't resemble anything that is "normal" life -- it is mostly a tourist place and certainly many people completely lose their minds in Key West. For example, today while we were eating lunch, around 4 p.m., at the Grand Cafe on Duvall St., we noticed a few people across the street. One female, dressed in a long skirt, bikini top and no shoes, and one male, dressed in shorts, tshirt and a hat, were sitting along Duvall smoking a joint. Yes, you read that correctly. Also, you might have noted that I know exactly what the woman was wearing. The reason why I know EXACTLY what she was wearing and EXACTLY what she was NOT wearing is that while she sat on the street, she was sitting with her knees up and legs open-ish and the skirt was not nearly long enough to cover what was obviously a very hairy snatch. Yes.

Take a moment.

Yes, I saw another woman's vagina today, from across the street. Did I mention I think people lose their minds in KW? Yes. Good.

Now you don't need to take my word for it, my two companions happened to look over there at about the same time and we all looked at each other and said: OMG, did you see that?

In other Key West news, I learned how to open a non-twist beer bottle without an opener from two German guys on Smather's Beach. I found out that Key West Southernmost Wheat isn't a bad choice of beer. I also had breakfast at Camille's -- which may go down in history as my best breakfast ever -- and those of you that know my love of breakfasts know that this is a very high honor.

In perhaps the STRANGEST news (yes, even stranger than seeing a vagina on Duvall Street), last night (Friday), C, T and I went to a bar near their rental on Stock Island -- Hogfish Bar and Grill. We sat at the bar, had some good drinks and generally bullshitted. When we were getting ready to leave, we stepped outside on the porch area and I happened to see a woman that looked familiar to me. I thought maybe college, maybe Indy, I wasn't really sure. She was that kind of vaguely familiar.

Both C and T thought I was full of crap. So I called her over, and asked if she was from Indiana. She said, no, she was from Wisconsin. It was then it clicked. She was the bartender from Malarkey's that first served me Spotted Cow on the night PM and I were there for our conference. That fateful night was also the first night I met Pete and Babs.

So what do you think the odds are that a bartender from Wausau, WI and I are in a bar on Stock Island, FL at the same time? Bizarre.

Webinars = Time Suck

Every now and again I'm asked to "attend" a webinar. For the uninitiated, a webinar is an online presentation, using essentially powerpoint technology, to share information to a mass audience without conducting an in-person workshop.

In my mind, there isn't one good webinar out there.

The main problems with webinars are as follows:

1. Overchatty presenters who do not benefit from seeing the audience shift in their seats, thereby limiting their chatty-Cathy ways.
2. Powerpoint is Powerpoint is Powerpoint. There is nothing cutting-edge or new about this medium.
3. Canned questions -- softball questions are collected from the presenters, presenters' friends or coworkers so as to show "audience interaction" with the webinar. Typically, these questions have all the mental fortitude of the following: "Are you aware that the earth is round?" "Yes, I've heard that, caller, and your question brings up an interesting point ... "
4. Generalized topics to appeal to aforementioned broad audience. This is also known as appealing to the lowest common denominator syndrome.

I hate webinars.

Athena attempts Zumba ...

for all of 7 minutes.

Okay, I signed up for a Zumba class at work. Seeing as I get free tuition as of this semester, I thought a class which could be a stress relief is a good choice. Today was the start of class and unfortunately, I had a meeting that ran right over the class, all but the last 7 minutes.

Two observations:

1. I'm gonna sweat like a whore in church in this class

2. I'm just as uncoordinated as I've ever been.

Group fitness classes have never been my forte. The last group fitness class I took was Yoga and I ended up falling over mid-pose, snickering a bit, then when shushed, I began howling with laughter. Needless to say, my Yoga class days were over and my welcome in that class was worn out.

Next Tuesday, 5-6, try again. I'll keep you posted.

Hoarders

One of my new favorite shows is Hoarders on A&E. Monday nights at 10 p.m., Hoarders shows the interiors of homes inhabited by those who hoard and their families.

Honestly, it is shows like this that kick up my OCD to nearly unreasonable levels. I feel the urge to go through every drawer, cabinet, shelf, item in my house just to ensure I don't have anything that isn't trash or needs to be trash. It astounds me to watch the show but at the same time, I've known a few hoarders.

My Uncle D was one. The entire garage was filled with boxes of who-knows-what, along with the basement. It was always astounding to see his piles of stuff that he found so important they could not be thrown away, but he could not seem to rid himself of anything either.

Last night's show showed two hoarders -- one with the full blown disorder and the other with hoarder-lite tendencies that could turn out to be hoarder-like the future.

It just gets me jittery thinking about it.

Jobs I Don't Want (part 9,000,000)

Every now and again I hear of jobs I don't want and mentally file them away.

Today I saw (via FB) a job that I don't want. "Practice break-thru-the-ice-to-be-rescued-person." My friend Jay (blogauthor of Plays With Sirens) did that exact job today and posted some pictures on FB of his adventures.

I saw the pictures and nearly developed hypothermia just from looking at them. Other jobs I don't want, in no particular order:

• gasteroentrologist
• podiatrist
• proctologist
• sanitation engineer
• civil engineer for wastewater systems
• waitress
• customer service representative

just to name a few. The list is long.

***************

27 degrees this morning. You could have hung a wool coat on my nipples today. (TMI, I know, but SERIOUSLY) I went home and got a sweater at lunch -- although I was told the office was heated today, I was born at night but not last night. It is only since about 2 that it has felt like any heat is on whatsoever. Yes, dear northern friends, there are furnaces here. Used infrequently, but there are furnaces.

***************

Getting excited for my quick getaway to Key West this weekend :) I leave on Friday morning, return Saturday night. :)

Sunday at home

I love being home on Sundays.

I suppose it stems from kidhood, when Sundays were a time of family visits, doughnuts at Grandma's and Charlie Chan on Channel 9 (WGN) -- plus a little Godzilla if we were lucky enough to stay late enough in the afternoon.

I reorganized the linen closet today as well as under my sink. I can't say it has made an overall big deal impression on the place, but it makes me feel better. Also -- I'm less likely to die from taking expired meds now. God Only Knows why I chose to pack meds that expired in 2007 rather than just pitch them in Indy. I remember packing the linen closets in Indy but I don't know for the life of me why I didn't throw those things out.

Finishing laundry now, getting things organized and ready for the week. I put away the clothes I've washed this week so far, with one basket still to go.

Next is hauling out trash, recycling and a few things to the storage bin. I stuck my head out briefly this morning to assess the weather (brrr) and haven't gotten brave since.

Might go see a movie lately -- I want to see Young Victoria and I'm not sure anyone else I know would like to, so 'tis me and a movie.

Cold, rainy, dreary

It is cold, rainy and dreary here in the land of sunshine and warmth. I think it only got to maybe 42 today and it rained/drizzled all day long. Still drizzling for that matter. Frost/freeze advisories all over tonight -- in the low 30s/high 20s for the overnight low.

And I'm in Florida? WTF?

I'm relaxing tonight, just taking it easy for the first time in a long time. I've felt like I've chased my tail from Thanksgiving until now, so it is an incredible feeling to just take a moment, relax and not worry that I'm late, busy or otherwise occupied.

I have two sleeping kitties beside me, happily taking their usual places and curling up in a ball. Inside the house I keep it in the mid-60s, so they are a little chilly. Earlier this week they were both whining/crying to go "out" -- on the lanai -- and after a few visits outdoors and a few sets of very chilly paws, the whining/crying has stopped. Both seem satisfied that I'll open the door again when it is warm enough.

Thinking about tomorrow, what I'd like to accomplish and what I will accomplish. Tonight is nothing but vegetation.

A blog post that says it

better than I could have.

http://liebchen11.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/maybe-having-a-type-isnt-always-a-bad-thing/

Wow. She is right.

What a life I could have led.

Last night, on Facebook, I was checking in on people, reading notes, reading various postings when a chat window came up.

It was TM, my 10th grade boyfriend and now a friend on FB. He has four kids, not married but still with the mother of all four of his kids and lives in Rolling Prairie, the town where I went to elementary school.

It was nice talking to him, even through chat, because it has to be 15 years or so since I saw him last. In fact, I think he only had the oldest (with the second on the way) the last time I saw him.

He works as a truck driver and leads an overall good life. From all appearances, it seems like he really loves his kids and his sweetie, and for this I am grateful.

I went to bed thinking that I could have had that life. I could be living in Rolling with four kiddos and him, doing whatever it is I would have done.

And with that, *poof*, I'm not sorry my life ended up this way. Sometimes the "what ifs" are best left as just that.

Sometimes I wonder.

If by being honest and expressing myself on this blog I shoot myself in the foot.

Perhaps it would be better if I were just writing this in a journal, kept in the darkest reaches of my dresser, away from all prying eyes.

By saying what I think publicly, I realize that I could quite possibly piss someone off. I have in the past, I will (probably) in the future, and could possibly be doing that right now.

I've kept a blog for nearly four years now, only 2 years+ on this blog, with the previous on MySpace, now long deleted. I didn't move that blog over, as it was filled with the anguish and pain of my life then, the post-divorce reality that I was loathe to fully understand until now.

There have been plenty of people that know of this blog, some of which read it regularly, some of which check in occasionally. I don't identify people by their real names unless I know they are accepting of it (or they self-identify on their own blogs).

What I'm trying to say is this: this blog is mine. The opinions are mine. The views are mine. Skewed, unskewed, rational, irrational, emotional, unemotional -- all mine.

No excuses, no hiding -- it's me. Good, bad, indifferent. Me.

Just like my life.

Life as I know it

Our enrollment is up. How up? 47% over last spring, which was 30% over the spring before that.

One of the signs of enrollment being up is toilet paper.
Toilet paper?
Yes.
Apparently the TP used to be changed twice a day around here. Now it is changed 3x per day.
(source: Facilities)

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Meeting someone new for coffee this weekend. I'll keep you posted how that goes.

Going to the Home and Garden show this weekend too -- I want to check out some flowers and sunshine amidst all this cold weather.

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Deep thoughts last night while I was in bed -- what if I *don't* buy a house this year? What if I travel to Europe for two weeks instead, seeing old friends in London and Dublin and then follow up with a family trip to Stockholm?

I'm seriously contemplating this.

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Bought my tickets to Seattle, WA and Jefferson, OR this week. Going to see Scully and my friend Duff from college. I'll be going the week of Memorial Day and will start and finish in Seattle. I will likely see some other friends from college while I am there and I am super excited about it!

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Also, sent out a check to Peteski of Wausau, WI for the case of Spotted Cow beer that is headed my way currently. My heart is soaring at the thought of Spotted Cow in FL :) Ultimately, it was cheaper for him to buy a case and ship it FedEx than it would have been for me to buy the same number of beers in Malarkey's in Wausau. Bizarre, right?

In the quiet reaches of my mind

The pieces all come together.

The person he knew that took pictures for a newspaper -- the job he wanted so much.
His explanation of this jealousy -- leaving out important details.
His denial of truth about how things ended between us on his blog.

It is the lies of omission that can kill trust as easily as the overt lie.

Some comics are just so damn true.

I love Wiley


http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/20100106/cx_nq_uc/nq20100106#id=/comics/uclickcomics/20100106/cx_nq_uc/nq20100106

Things are ...

well, I'm scared to say they are going well, really. I mean, every time I say that, something gets enormously jacked up and I think: "WTF, why did I say things are going well? Why didn't I just say things are 'less jacked up than normal.'"

So things are less jacked up than normal.

Wish I would meet someone nice to date. Am beginning to think this move to FM was all wrong w/out being married. I mean, I could date a hell of a lot of 80 year olds here, but really, I don't want to see that until I'm 90 or so. Then I'll go out with the young'uns, also known as the 75-85 year old set. I'm working on this problem though and perhaps I'll get crazy lucky. Or I'll have some good stories to tell for future blogs. Whatever.

After 3 1/2 weeks of not shaving my legs, I am FINALLY, finally getting that leg wax I've been talking about. It was supposed to happen Monday but had a delay due to overbooking. I cannot possibly date anyone with hair this LONG on my legs for fear that I would accidentally show the enormous forest that has grown on my legs. Truly shameful if it weren't for the fact I planned this and I know the end result. I will either be pleased as punch or in traction later, I'll keep you posted either way.

In other news, I went out for pizza last night at a local pizza place/sports bar: Stevie Tomato's. The bartender there, Chris, has been great to me since I started going there right after I moved here and last night, he had my beer before I even asked for it. Big ol'shout out to Chris, Stevie Tomato's and a packed house last night for 1/2 price pizza night. He rocks (and I tip him accordingly).

I thought I would end up out later, but came home, crawled into my warm bed and was out like a light. So much for me being a party girl in FL. More like more of the same.

35 degrees here this morning. Ridiculous. Coldest weather in 30 years. Am Not Impressed.

.... WANTED ....

Single Man
Age 33-46
Employed
Intelligent
Funny
Willing to have kids in the future
Has ambition
Can sit up and take nourishment
Not raised by wolves

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If you are chronically unemployable, have the mental capacity of a geranium, hung up on your ex-girlfriend/wife/long lost love, no ambition, don't want kids but say you do to appease me, eat/drink like a pig, and/or raised by wolves, we have already dated. There is no reason to reply to this.

Back to work.

Today felt long.

I'm almost certain it was the lack of nap during the midday hours that I've become so accustomed to in these last few weeks. I mean, is there a better use of midday than nap? (All you non-single people, don't ruin my happiness. Yes, I KNOW what could be better midday, I'm just, well, nevermind, let's just say that's not an option these days.)

So midday has been a little rough for me. Lack of nap and all.

Had to come in and tackle email straightaway. 74 emails. Not bad for two weeks off. Only about ten from this morning before I got here, so overall 65ish emails for two weeks? Hardly a blip on my email radar. When I took off the 11th of December I had 183 in one day. Some people are just email happy. I am not one of them.

Looks like I'll be headed to Key West here in a couple weeks to catch up with a friend of mine, C. C, for those who don't know, was my Realtor (2x) and is a friend as well. She'll be down for a few days in January and I'm going to take the boat down for a night. Sounds like a good way to spend a January day, doesn't it?

Resolutions are still going well, although I had a bit of insomnia last night. I think it was pending stress for the workday today, although it has been overall pleasant.

Bought tickets to Jersey Boys and Willie Nelson for Mom and I when she comes to town in February. She is quite excited (and under 18+ inches of snow right now).

Today is Sharkmom's birthday ... Happy Birthday Jen! Now let's all officially celebrate JEN-uary!

I have a leg wax tonight. It is either leg wax or bush hog -- I have been growing these babies out for three weeks. I will not wait another week, it is horrible and I want to wear skirts again. I do love the underarm wax I had last week. The time saved in the shower is incredible! (I know, probably TMI, but this has been great!) After coming from a climate where no one saw my legs for six months at a time, a couple days' growth was no big deal. Here, it is warm, so I wear skirts a lot -- and the constant maintenance is driving me batty. So. Wax.

Nada else ... just ready to call it a day.

Resolutions completed

I managed to hit all three of my resolutions yesterday and I'm on my way to meeting my resolutions today too -- it feels good to know I'm making a change in my life for the better.

Today was mildly exciting from the start. Last night, I was out with Mary and KC and we had parked our cars at a local gas station before going out for the night. Lee had agreed to pick up Mary and I, while KC's husband was driving her home. It seemed like the perfect plan -- and avoidance of a DUI is very important to me.

So this morning I get up around 7 at Mary and Lee's house and walk about a mile to get my car. When I arrive, my car and Mary's car are both gone. Clearly not stolen, as both cars are gone. Towed. Yep. Luckily enough, the tow truck company was nice enough to pick me up at the gas station, take me to get the cash necessary and deliver me to my car at the impound lot. $160 later, it was the most expensive night out I've had in a long time. I will need to be on a budget for a while now to make up for the lost funds but ultimately it was better to spend the $160 than wake up in the Lee County lockup. I've never looked very good in orange or horizontal stripes.

I'm doing laundry now, getting the house in order before I return to work tomorrow. After two weeks off, I'm actually ready to go back as twisted as that sounds. I need to put a few more plans into place for the new year and find that elusive house I'll buy at some point this year. I have about five months left on my lease so it is time I found something.

Also ... texted back and forth with Rugby last night. I'm not sure we will ever be where we were, but I also hate having unpleasantness between myself and anyone I've dated. If and when there is ever more to report, I will.

2010 is here.

Last night was lovely -- Mary and Lee hosted a NYE party at their home with a number of their friends. I think I managed to make a couple new friends too -- and given that my friend count here in Florida is rather low, I'm glad to have made them.

I did get kissed more at this NYE party than I've ever been kissed at a NYE party -- even though all kisses were on the cheek, it was a welcome way to celebrate this new year and decade. Perhaps this will lead to more kisses in this decade? A girl can dream!

Today has been spent cleaning up a bit from the party, driving home, snoozing with the kittens and generally daydreaming. At a little before 3, I woke up and showered, then headed back to Mary and Lee's home to celebrate their oldest daughter's 15th birthday. They have some of the coolest kids around, so it is always nice to spend time with them all.

I was back here around six, and now just chilling out. I haven't a doubt I'll be in bed soon.

2010 resolutions:

1. Focus on eating at home/home cooked meals. I spent the last six months eating out a lot and I can tell.

2. Work out at least 3x per week for 30 minutes each time.

3. Get at least 8 hours sleep each night.


That's it for 2010. I'll keep you posted on my progress!