I don't know what it is lately, the pull of parenthood is driving me insane. The term "biological clock" always seemed to me like mine was permanently on snooze.
When I was with Hex, we had intended on having children. A couple of kiddos or so, in fact, was what we discussed. As the marriage entered year 2 (and when we started thinking more seriously about having kiddos), the problems that arose made me more and more determined to not only be on the pill, but have an IUD, spermicide, female condom ... you name it, to avoid pregnancy. After the marriage imploded in so many millions of pieces, I concentrated on me and putting *me* back together. I was more concerned with not torturing some poor soul who happened to wander into my life, let alone bringing an innocent child into the full-on mess that my life had become.
So here we are. Four years post marriage, no closer to having children than I was when I first got married 7 years ago.
Lately, though, I have to say, I've been thinking about kids a lot. Like whether I do want them (I do) and what it means that my time to have them, sans major industrial tinkering with my body, is limited. For years I'd joke with my mom that if she pushed for grandkids too hard, she could give me $20 and I'd go out to the bar and buy drinks for the future father of her grandchild.
I don't want that. I want the whole deal. Marriage, kids, family, life. I don't have any interest in being a single mom. I don't want to go through what my mom did -- and believe me, she went through a lot.
The thought process on this always comes to the forefront of my mind after seeing the newest baby pics of family and friends. Today it was a picture of a coworker's baby. He and his wife met when she came into his office. Less than a year later they were married, and just had their baby girl in November. I saw her picture today -- she's gorgeous. And the tugging began in earnest.
The clock is ticking. Kinda loud, in fact. I better buy some earplugs.
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