I think my brain is turning to mush.

This love thing -- wow -- I had forgotten how much my brain would turn into mush.

I think of the Hoosier Guy all the time, wondering what he's doing, if he's having fun, what's the next funny story/comment he'll share. 

My working brain -- mush.  Pure mush. 

I am not complaining.  No.  No Freaking Way. 

I'm Observing.

I observe that the Hoosier Guy keeps my mind active and thinking, even when we are apart, based on the conversations we've had the day, night or week before.  We are constantly talking, constantly communicating in such a way I feel like I know him better now than I would have over six months of casual, once-a-week dating. 

I also observe that I'm happy.

:)

Taxes and breathing

The only two things I can count on that will go on and on.

Okay, so maybe not *my* breathing, in particular, but some thing, somewhere, drawing breath. 

I received my W2 from my employer on Wednesday.  This only made me more paranoid about taxes this year.  When I packed my office, I did an okay shitty job of it, so I think I kinda know where the items in question could be.  Maybe.  Sorta.  I mean, there in a box somewhere, damnit.  Fuckety, fuck, fuck, fuck.  I'm hosed.  Just take me to tax jail now.  I look like hell in orange or stripes too.  Fuck.

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I've been thinking about my life lately.  A whole lot about it, in fact.  I would call it Deep Thoughts, but they've mostly been pretty shallow.  Not kiddie-pool shallow, but not exactly mind-blowing either.  Mostly the thoughts have centered around: travel, real estate, going back to school, relationships and sex.  Not necessarily in that order and not necessarily the same amount of thought for each.  I wish I knew as much about life as I seemed to know at age 15.  I was a rock-star genius (or so I thought).  Now I'm just one more tangled mess of emotions and thoughts caught in the tidepool of life. 

*****************

And so it goes ....

(thanks, K.V., for being so eloquent ... )

The tug, the pull ...

I don't know what it is lately, the pull of parenthood is driving me insane.  The term "biological clock" always seemed to me like mine was permanently on snooze. 

When I was with Hex, we had intended on having children.  A couple of kiddos or so, in fact, was what we discussed.  As the marriage entered year 2 (and when we started thinking more seriously about having kiddos), the problems that arose made me more and more determined to not only be on the pill, but have an IUD, spermicide, female condom ... you name it, to avoid pregnancy.  After the marriage imploded in so many millions of pieces, I concentrated on me and putting *me* back together.  I was more concerned with not torturing some poor soul who happened to wander into my life, let alone bringing an innocent child into the full-on mess that my life had become.

So here we are.  Four years post marriage, no closer to having children than I was when I first got married 7 years ago. 

Lately, though, I have to say, I've been thinking about kids a lot.  Like whether I do want them (I do) and what it means that my time to have them, sans major industrial tinkering with my body, is limited.  For years I'd joke with my mom that if she pushed for grandkids too hard, she could give me $20 and I'd go out to the bar and buy drinks for the future father of her grandchild.  

I don't want that.  I want the whole deal.  Marriage, kids, family, life.   I don't have any interest in being a single mom.  I don't want to go through what my mom did -- and believe me, she went through a lot.

The thought process on this always comes to the forefront of my mind after seeing the newest baby pics of family and friends.  Today it was a picture of a coworker's baby.  He and his wife met when she came into his office.  Less than a year later they were married, and just had their baby girl in November.  I saw her picture today -- she's gorgeous.  And the tugging began in earnest.

The clock is ticking.  Kinda loud, in fact.  I better buy some earplugs.

I'm back.

Long week, what with a trip to Chicago for a conference from Monday to Wednesday, then a trip to La Porte on Wednesday afternoon through today for my uncle's funeral. Yes, another uncle, yes, another funeral.

I was thinking about this today. Some years ago it was my grandparents' generation. Now, it seems, it is the older members of my parents' generation. Granted, I still have one grandparent left (Dad's mom), but over the last few years I've lost four uncles. I only have two left at this point and it saddens me.

It was hard today. I left a rose from my uncle's grave on my grandpa's grave (his dad) and also saw another aunt & uncle's grave. Sometimes I feel so small and insignificant. Today was one of those times.

The funeral dinner was held at my grandma's church, the same one I attended growing up. The church seems smaller than ever and the fellowship hall (downstairs in the basement), doesn't seem nearly as large as it did when I was a kid. I always find it interesting to see how things change and how things stay the same after time has passed. The pastor (the same one who preached when I was a kid) is the same, really, only with gray hair now. Now the parsonage is a little bigger and there is a playground spot next door to the church, but overall, much has stayed the same from my kidhood.

On the trip home, Sister and I had some good talks about life, family and other topics. Got home about an hour ago, wishing I were at the State Fair with my friends pigging out on Fair Food but knowing that I was needed home today. g'night.