"Grandma wants to know how to shut off the vibrator"

Oh yeah, readers, I WIN for the most disturbing text message received ever. 

This morning at 6:57 a.m., my phone rings.  Since I have neither children nor a reason to get up before 7:15, I am sleeping, soundly.  I immediately wake up, answer the phone and briefly note it is my Dad calling before I hear this: "Tell me how to make it stop buzzing."

No "hello,"  no "sorry for waking you up," no pleasantries at all.

Dad's phone has found its' way to vibrate and apparently this is what qualifies as a stone-cold, katy-bar-the-door emergency in his life at 6:57 a.m.  Have I mentioned he's retired? 

I tell him to look at his phone and tell me if there is any buttons on the side of it.  He says yes, I tell him to push them and he says okay and hangs up.  No pleasantries again, just hangs up.

So I'm awake, I get ready and go to work. I am at work maybe five minutes.  Now Dad is calling again.  I pick up the phone and am greeted by "It is still buzzing."  I ask him what brand of phone it is, he tells me Motorola and that it is serviced by Verizon.  I then ask him what kind of phone it is, and he says, quite disgustedly, "a cellular phone, Athena." I tell him that I know that much, but is it a flip phone, regular phone, etc etc.  I ask him if he has the box the phone came in so he can tell me what phone it is, but all I get in reply is "if I had that, I wouldn't be calling you."  Testy testy.  I know the man is cheap, so I'm not concerned in the least that he has anything fancier than a flip phone. 

I ask him to take off the battery and tell me what model number the phone has.  He struggles and struggles, can't seem to get it open, so I tell him to call me back when he opens it up.

About five minutes later, I've looked up all the specs on Motorola phones and call him back.  Battery is still not out.  Now mind you, this is a man that can build an addition on the house with a pencil drawing and some rudimentary math -- but a cell phone battery opening?  Too much.  I walk him through the steps and get the phone to "ring" again.  He is delighted.

Ten minutes after I hang up with him, I get the following message from my step-sister in-law: "Can you call your dad?  He needs help with his phone.  Grandma emailed me about it."  Then stepsister in-law relays the message that will live in infamy: "Grandma wants to know how to shut off the vibrator." 

For those of you playing at home, the customer service on this call went like this: from Riverview (Dad), to Fort Myers, to Riverview (Dad) to Riverview (Grandma), to Riverview (Grandma) to La Porte (Sister-in-law) to Fort Myers.