I suppose I'm ready to talk about this now. I wasn't on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday for that matter. I just wasn't ready.
I've received two "ding" letters from the Ph.D. programs to which I've applied. Portland State University and Indiana University have both declined to accept me into their programs this fall.
This leaves: American University (DC) and University of Illinois -- Chicago.
I cried over PSU and IU. Cried. I hate crying -- I feel so weak, so stupid, so useless when I cry, but cry I did.
Big nasty sobs, followed by throwing myself upon my bed and lying there, staring at the ceiling, wondering "what if."
What If?
*I don't get into grad school for fall 2011
*I don't have my contract renewed at Edison for 2011-2012
*I am jobless as of July 1, 2011
*I am not meant to get my Ph.D.
All worst case scenarios, all torturing my happiness, my soul.
and then, out of the darkest depths of my psyche came: "So WHAT?"
So What ...
*If I don't get into grad school for fall 2011, there is always fall 2012.
*If I don't get my contract renewed at Edison, I could be happier elsewhere.
*If I am jobless as of July 1, I've always said I will find SOMETHING to do.
*If I am not meant to get my Ph.D. -- maybe there is something else out there for me.
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On Friday afternoon, I had a talk with my boss. She wanted to know how long I plan to stay. I told her I wasn't independently wealthy, that I needed to work as long as I could prior to entrance to grad school. She understood and asked for a timeline. So here it is.
If I am accepted to grad school, I want to work until August 15, 2011, to maximize my earning potential prior to return to school.
If I am not accepted to grad school, I want to renew my contract with Edison.
This is not to say I wish to stay in Southwest Florida, no. I don't want to be here, I'm not at home here. Given the economy, however, I do need to focus on staying where I have a job for as long as I can, all the while considering what is next.
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