Let me say this -- I do love what I do. I love the challenges, the obstacles, the ever-pressing need for just the right word or turn of phrase, not to mention the satisfaction I have when a grant is done and gone.
Right now though, my workplace is in turmoil. It has (mostly) played out in the newspapers, the nightly local news ... and, of course, the rumor mill.
Suffice to say the place I came to nearly two years ago is not the same place today. So many people come and gone, so many upheavals, so much drama for this place. Just as anything in transition is a state of confusion, this place is in a state of confusion.
I wonder when the merry-go-round will stop.
And who will remain on it at the end?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
50% Down, 50% to Go
I suppose I'm ready to talk about this now. I wasn't on Friday. Or Saturday. Or Sunday for that matter. I just wasn't ready.
I've received two "ding" letters from the Ph.D. programs to which I've applied. Portland State University and Indiana University have both declined to accept me into their programs this fall.
This leaves: American University (DC) and University of Illinois -- Chicago.
I cried over PSU and IU. Cried. I hate crying -- I feel so weak, so stupid, so useless when I cry, but cry I did.
Big nasty sobs, followed by throwing myself upon my bed and lying there, staring at the ceiling, wondering "what if."
What If?
*I don't get into grad school for fall 2011
*I don't have my contract renewed at Edison for 2011-2012
*I am jobless as of July 1, 2011
*I am not meant to get my Ph.D.
All worst case scenarios, all torturing my happiness, my soul.
and then, out of the darkest depths of my psyche came: "So WHAT?"
So What ...
*If I don't get into grad school for fall 2011, there is always fall 2012.
*If I don't get my contract renewed at Edison, I could be happier elsewhere.
*If I am jobless as of July 1, I've always said I will find SOMETHING to do.
*If I am not meant to get my Ph.D. -- maybe there is something else out there for me.
**************************************
On Friday afternoon, I had a talk with my boss. She wanted to know how long I plan to stay. I told her I wasn't independently wealthy, that I needed to work as long as I could prior to entrance to grad school. She understood and asked for a timeline. So here it is.
If I am accepted to grad school, I want to work until August 15, 2011, to maximize my earning potential prior to return to school.
If I am not accepted to grad school, I want to renew my contract with Edison.
This is not to say I wish to stay in Southwest Florida, no. I don't want to be here, I'm not at home here. Given the economy, however, I do need to focus on staying where I have a job for as long as I can, all the while considering what is next.
I've received two "ding" letters from the Ph.D. programs to which I've applied. Portland State University and Indiana University have both declined to accept me into their programs this fall.
This leaves: American University (DC) and University of Illinois -- Chicago.
I cried over PSU and IU. Cried. I hate crying -- I feel so weak, so stupid, so useless when I cry, but cry I did.
Big nasty sobs, followed by throwing myself upon my bed and lying there, staring at the ceiling, wondering "what if."
What If?
*I don't get into grad school for fall 2011
*I don't have my contract renewed at Edison for 2011-2012
*I am jobless as of July 1, 2011
*I am not meant to get my Ph.D.
All worst case scenarios, all torturing my happiness, my soul.
and then, out of the darkest depths of my psyche came: "So WHAT?"
So What ...
*If I don't get into grad school for fall 2011, there is always fall 2012.
*If I don't get my contract renewed at Edison, I could be happier elsewhere.
*If I am jobless as of July 1, I've always said I will find SOMETHING to do.
*If I am not meant to get my Ph.D. -- maybe there is something else out there for me.
**************************************
On Friday afternoon, I had a talk with my boss. She wanted to know how long I plan to stay. I told her I wasn't independently wealthy, that I needed to work as long as I could prior to entrance to grad school. She understood and asked for a timeline. So here it is.
If I am accepted to grad school, I want to work until August 15, 2011, to maximize my earning potential prior to return to school.
If I am not accepted to grad school, I want to renew my contract with Edison.
This is not to say I wish to stay in Southwest Florida, no. I don't want to be here, I'm not at home here. Given the economy, however, I do need to focus on staying where I have a job for as long as I can, all the while considering what is next.
Friday, March 25, 2011
6 Word Fridays: GO
This week’s topic: GO. Get ready, get set? On the go? Do not pass go? Where do you want to go?
As always, thanks to Melissa for her inspiration.
http://www.makingthingsup.com/sixwordtopics
Should I stay or should I
Go? The eternal and infernal question
asked by anyone at a crossroads.
Go means to move, to do
something, anything, but to stay still.
Go here, stay there, move forward
Even 'Monopoly' has a Go, pass
it and collect $200. Go. Now.
Move. Go forward. Stop stalling, what
holds you back? What keeps you
from moving forward, from going forth?
Go is a state of mind.
So, are you going -- or not?
***** a side go, for my college
Go Dawgs -- Make Butler Bulldogs Proud!
As always, thanks to Melissa for her inspiration.
http://www.makingthingsup.com/sixwordtopics
Should I stay or should I
Go? The eternal and infernal question
asked by anyone at a crossroads.
Go means to move, to do
something, anything, but to stay still.
Go here, stay there, move forward
Even 'Monopoly' has a Go, pass
it and collect $200. Go. Now.
Move. Go forward. Stop stalling, what
holds you back? What keeps you
from moving forward, from going forth?
Go is a state of mind.
So, are you going -- or not?
***** a side go, for my college
Go Dawgs -- Make Butler Bulldogs Proud!
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Double Life (or Dueling Realities, if you please)
One of my favorite shows was Alias which showed a very cool Jennifer Garner playing Sidney Bristow, a covert CIA-type agent who also had a double life of sorts. Originally she was a college student who had been recruited into a CIA-type life, then later, others "outside" her life believed she worked for a bank. If your bank topples crime syndicates and blows shit up, indeed, it was a "bank" she worked at all right.
My life now is in two separate places, while I maintain one residence. I currently live in Southwest Florida, work in Southwest Florida and rent an apartment in Southwest Florida. I have friends here, a job here and I spend my days here.
Except ...
When I'm not here.
Then my life is in Northwest Indiana (or Indiana in general) with family, friends and please don't forget my Hoosier Guy. There I hang out with friends and family, spend hours wandering around visiting and exploring the place I used to call home, way back when. I love learning that my former hometown (and surrounding environs) has grown, with neat things to do, cool places to go and much exploring to do.
It is my heart that travels. My heart, which I have freely and completely given to the Hoosier Guy, traveled back with him yesterday afternoon, as he left sunny Southwest Florida for rainy Northwest Indiana. It is a funny thing, this romance of ours. For a million good reasons, it ought not work. For a million and one more, it does work. We had a wonderful weekend, spending time with friends and hanging out, laughing, joking, delving more into each other's life.
The Double Life, the Dueling Realities ... these are hard. My body and my work are here in Southwest Florida, my mind and heart are in Northwest Indiana.
I still don't have answers to the grad school questions. I pray and hope I find out soon. If for nothing else, to know if my double life, my dueling realities continue on, or they join together.
My life now is in two separate places, while I maintain one residence. I currently live in Southwest Florida, work in Southwest Florida and rent an apartment in Southwest Florida. I have friends here, a job here and I spend my days here.
Except ...
When I'm not here.
Then my life is in Northwest Indiana (or Indiana in general) with family, friends and please don't forget my Hoosier Guy. There I hang out with friends and family, spend hours wandering around visiting and exploring the place I used to call home, way back when. I love learning that my former hometown (and surrounding environs) has grown, with neat things to do, cool places to go and much exploring to do.
It is my heart that travels. My heart, which I have freely and completely given to the Hoosier Guy, traveled back with him yesterday afternoon, as he left sunny Southwest Florida for rainy Northwest Indiana. It is a funny thing, this romance of ours. For a million good reasons, it ought not work. For a million and one more, it does work. We had a wonderful weekend, spending time with friends and hanging out, laughing, joking, delving more into each other's life.
The Double Life, the Dueling Realities ... these are hard. My body and my work are here in Southwest Florida, my mind and heart are in Northwest Indiana.
I still don't have answers to the grad school questions. I pray and hope I find out soon. If for nothing else, to know if my double life, my dueling realities continue on, or they join together.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Impending Press of DOOM
DOOM.
DOOM I SAY.
DOOOOOOOOOM.
It has been one of those weeks. Work has been off-the-charts, back-up-the-canoe, WTF crazy with a side dish of insanity. Between working assignments, life, new nonsense and personnel changes, it has been truly a hot-mess kind of place.
Weekend? Where are you?
Spring Break? Was that ~you~ last week? Why are my shoulders back up by my ears? Why didn't the massage work as planned on Monday night?
DOOM I SAY.
DOOOOOOOOOM.
It has been one of those weeks. Work has been off-the-charts, back-up-the-canoe, WTF crazy with a side dish of insanity. Between working assignments, life, new nonsense and personnel changes, it has been truly a hot-mess kind of place.
Weekend? Where are you?
Spring Break? Was that ~you~ last week? Why are my shoulders back up by my ears? Why didn't the massage work as planned on Monday night?
Monday, March 14, 2011
Two weeks? Where *have* I been?
Two weeks gone on this blog -- where oh where have I been?
Indianapolis
Carmel
La Porte
Michigan City
New Carlisle
South Bend
Chicago
Fort Myers
Estero
Ah, the miracles of modern transportation. Certainly 100 years ago it could not be imagined that I'd be all those places in two weeks. Maybe two of those places -- the especially near-by ones -- but no more than that.
I've been on Spring Break, dear readers. In opposite tradition of everyone who's had a spring break in college, I went north for a few days. Spent precious time with family and friends. There is, however, never enough time. I always think I have more time than what I do and I always book the schedule tighttighttight to see as many as possible.
This time?
I booked lightly. Truly lightly for me -- with only a few things scheduled and mostly free time for just doing whatever came to mind with the company I kept at the time. It was lovely.
I need to keep in mind that quality and quantity are often separate, but not always.
I am, as ever, blessed. I have wonderful friends and loving family.
In this time I also found that I must watch what I eat and exercise more, as my A1C levels (diabetes) are not quite high enough to be considered diabetes, but need to be lower so my Doctor can find someone else to torment regularly. I remain committed to reduction in my size and elevation of my level of activity.
This time -- it's my time. It's time to start living as if I truly believed it.
Indianapolis
Carmel
La Porte
Michigan City
New Carlisle
South Bend
Chicago
Fort Myers
Estero
Ah, the miracles of modern transportation. Certainly 100 years ago it could not be imagined that I'd be all those places in two weeks. Maybe two of those places -- the especially near-by ones -- but no more than that.
I've been on Spring Break, dear readers. In opposite tradition of everyone who's had a spring break in college, I went north for a few days. Spent precious time with family and friends. There is, however, never enough time. I always think I have more time than what I do and I always book the schedule tighttighttight to see as many as possible.
This time?
I booked lightly. Truly lightly for me -- with only a few things scheduled and mostly free time for just doing whatever came to mind with the company I kept at the time. It was lovely.
I need to keep in mind that quality and quantity are often separate, but not always.
I am, as ever, blessed. I have wonderful friends and loving family.
In this time I also found that I must watch what I eat and exercise more, as my A1C levels (diabetes) are not quite high enough to be considered diabetes, but need to be lower so my Doctor can find someone else to torment regularly. I remain committed to reduction in my size and elevation of my level of activity.
This time -- it's my time. It's time to start living as if I truly believed it.
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