Today's a hard day for me. 8 years ago today I married the Hex. I thought I was getting married forever, thought we'd have kids, thought we'd grow old together. For a plethora of reasons (and of at least half that are my fault), it wasn't to be.
Each year since we've divorced (5 years this year), I get an email from him, telling me he misses me. Each year that I've read it, I've gone home and gone to bed immediately -- wallowing in my own grief of what wasn't-meant-to-be.
In case you don't know -- there is no such thing as a "no-fault" divorce. Hours of wrestling with torn emotions, rivers of tears and a million "if only I had ..." all play a part in the mourning of a marriage gone south. I can tell you that after my parents' divorce, I swore I'd never get married. Then when I got married I swore I'd never get divorced. Now I just don't swear anything at all --
I talked to my sister today and she told me she was thinking of me, that she knew it was a hard day. She's right, it is a hard day. Every year it gets easier, but I don't know when it will just be another mid-October day, without me thinking of all the promises held on that cool October morning.
It is days like today that I wonder if I'll ever get married again. I'd like to ... but ... and there is always a "but."
but ... I don't want to get hurt like I did again (that's not possible to prevent)
but ... I may never find him (or maybe I will)
but ... I'm happy (yes, I am ... but I want someone to enjoy my life with)
but ... I've dated so many jerks (no argument there ... but I've dated good guys too)
but ... what? what is holding me back?
As part of my healing process this year, I'm not reading my personal e-mail today. I don't want to wallow over what-wasn't-meant-to-be but think only about what joy and happiness awaits me ...
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