Generally I ruminate on my life, my place in the world and how I came to be in it around my birthday. Seems that birthdays are good for such ponderances.
It's not my birthday and yet I ponder.
A few weeks ago I was back in Indiana visiting. During my visit, I was notified that my Grandma (last remaining grandparent, Dad's mom) was in the hospital. Congestive Heart Failure was the diagnosis and she was in intensive care. When I arrived to visit her, she was in good spirits and upbeat (as she is wont to be) and certainly didn't *look* as sickly as I imagined. The simple fact is that she is 92 and her heart is slowing down.
She's gotten littler over the years, going from 5'3" and 125 lbs or so to probably 4'10" and maybe 90 lbs. I'd guess her at less, really, but it pains me to write it. Her skin is thin and she bruises easily. Despite all the bodily disrepair, her mind is sharp -- razor sharp - and she knows what is going on around her, with her and with her loved ones. She continues to live alone (oh yes, she does) and her greatest fear is a nursing home. She has absolutely no interest in that -- none.
As I sat holding her hand, I really *looked* at her hands for the first time in ages. These same hands that had held me as a child, hugged me, caressed me and fed me were just shadows of their former strength now.
It was as if I were looking into a time machine at what my own hands will look like someday.
My strong hands, free of wrinkles and full of strength, will become what hers are now. My ability to do things for myself will diminish, I will age. I will find myself needing others to do for me what I have always done for myself.
Which has brought me full circle to: and who will do that?
Right now I am unmarried, no kids. Thus, no spouse and no children to take care of me in my old age.
It made me think of my own mortality in ways I've not before. It was and is hard to think about.
Like I said, ruminating.
2 comments:
Athena,
This post is so thought -provoking. I, at 63, am older than you, so I have had more time to ruminate about aging. Each landmark decade has brought with it more freedom to be who I am. My list of things I will tolerate gets shorter every year. I value my own opinion more than others now. I know how to take up for myself and how to pick my battles. I am no long hesitant to speak my mind. I want to feel like I'm wearing my pajamas all day, so I dress like an aging hippie, long flowing skirts and easy tops, and I actually own six pairs of (cute) Birkenstocks. You have lots to look forward to.
On a financial note, I, like you, live alone, and my only child is schizoaffective and unable to care for himself. Several years ago, I invested in a long term health insurance plan, so that I will be able to afford to stay at home with someone to look after me. It's expensive, but I consider it an investment in my future.
Yes, I have a great future ahead of me!
Namaste..........cj
CJ,
Thank you. The thoughts of getting older and my grandma have been swirling in my head for weeks. I saw her again this past weekend and it brought it all back.
Yes, I will look to long-term care insurance. My mother's cousin bought it years ago when she discovered her mother had alzheimers disease -- and when the time came when it affected her, she was able to live quite comfortably, safely and securely, without overwhelming burden to anyone else. She was an incredible woman and alzheimer's made her a shadow of her former self.
And I utterly and completely agree with your first paragraph -- it occurred to me some years ago that this is MY life and no one else's - therefore the decisions I make are mine to make, and I should be aware that those may not be the decisions others may make.
I like to not leave my house on Sunday - stay in jammies, cook some, read some, relax plenty.
Post a Comment