A Region Rat Speaks.

I'm biased, I know this. Growing up in The Region (which, btw, is a term I picked up for it here -- I had always known it as the Greater Chicagoland Area), I learned to drive on snow. Lots of snow. Blizzard-like conditions with lake effect snow blowing off the lake snow -- not this minor-league .3 inch snow that we call snow here in Indy.

Last night, as I was driving out west on 70 to my client, I was making pretty good time. Granted, I wasn't going the posted speed limit but close. I was driving according to the road conditions, something that any driver worth their salt learns early on. I note the time (6) and realize I won't make it to my clients' place in time for supper (it was homemade dinner and I was invited, of course I'll show up). I pull off at Cloverdale/Greencastle and get some Tbell. I get back on the road and it is 6:07. Four miles down the road, near exit 37, I notice slowing in the lanes and everyone getting over to the left. I do the same. I text Maestro to see if there are any traffic notices online I should know about. We talk for a bit and there is nothing to be found. I thank him and hang up.

For the next 10 miles and 1.5 hours, I am crawling along 70. No wreck, no crash, no guardrail mishaps, only truckers blocking the right lane so any other driver cannot make headway to see what is going on.

Ultimately: a SUV was tipped over, on its' side, in the eastbound lanes. Yes, dear people, my lanes were reduced to one for an accident on the OTHER SIDE of the road. There was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG with my side of the road.

Pissy does not even describe my mood. Foul doesn't touch it. Two hours, forty-seven minutes later, I pull into my client's drive. For a simple 1.25 hour journey, I doubled that and then some.

Thus, these are the road rules as I see them.

1. Drive according to road conditions. Do not use cruise control on icy roads. Drive with caution, but not grandmother-type stealth.

2. If you are scared of driving in icy, snowy weather, I recommend a relocation to Florida. Immediately.

3. The snow plow is not the official 'mush dog' for the highway. Nor is it the pace car. There is no reason to follow the snow plow unless the road is covered in more than 10" of untouched snow. If this is the case, just do the plow and emergency crews a favor and stay home. You'll only cause an accident.

4. Trucks blocking a second lane for no reason whatsoever should be banned from all road travel. I recommend trains for the trailers.

5. Good tires make all the difference. If you have bald or balding tires, you are a hazard. Remove thyself from all roadways until this is rectified.

6. If you begin to slide to the right and do not want to, turn your wheel to the left. If you begin to slide to the left and do not want to, turn your wheel to the right. The coefficient of friction is your friend. (Thank you Mr. Powers, 12th grade physics teacher)

7. Keep your distance. If you are going to crawl up my ass, I want to be formally introduced.

8. 4 wheel drive does not equal impervious to all road conditions. 4 wheel drive is for getting yourself out of mud, sand or other unpleasant road conditions. It is not for balls-out winter weather driving.

9. The left lane is for passing, the right lane is for driving. I would not think I'd have to say this over and over but I do. And I will.

10. Driving isn't a contact sport, despite what you've seen on NASCAR. Thanks.