Monday, August 25, 2008

Open Letter to All Women Using Public Restrooms

Hello ladies,

Yes, yes, public restrooms = necessary evil. Of course I'd rather be at home on my freshly cleaned toilet seat but alas, alack, driving home 7 times a day isn't in the cards for me.

So I am publicly pleading with you, my fellow women, for the happiness of all of us that are chained to public restrooms all day long, please note the following:

1. You are not genetically engineered to stand while urinating. Trust. When you do (and some of you DO) you generally spray the seat with your urine. Then, of course, since the seat is too nasty to sit on, you can't possibly clean it off with TP after you are done hosing it down. Lucky me, I come in after you and get an assfull of urine.

This makes me Stabby.

Of course I look before sitting, but some of you must be extra high in your water consumption as it is nary on invisible urine. Again, Stabby.

2. Your Momma doesn't work here. Pick up your paper towels, place in trash container. Pick up the TP you left on the floor.

3. Talking on your cell phone in a public restroom is a No-No. I would not think I'd have to announce this, but the preponderance of this phenomenon has hit record levels as of late. Most people (including myself) just want to do our business in peace. If you are on the phone, we have a much wider audience and that isn't the least bit pleasant. Hang Up.

4. Wash your hands. Blech. Do I need to say more?

5. If something goes drastically wrong in the restroom, please tell one of the myriad staffers around here. None of us want to find out firsthand that you had Indian for lunch upon walking in a 'wronged' stall. Just tell us, we'll call maintenance (who will hate their job once again), and nearly everyone (save maintenance) will be happy.

Thank you. This has been a public service announcement. You may return to your regularly scheduled lives.

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