I am in an odd place in my life right now.
I love my job, where I work, my coworkers.
I generally like my students (saying love seems creepy here, and not the right word).
I am not wild about where I live. Close to work, sure. Nice enough, sure. I miss having a house, a yard, a way to get my frustrations out. Apartment living limits those things. Also, I am sick of my upstairs neighbor and her incessant clompy-ness as she walks about.
The town is okay, as small towns go. It has shopping (albeit limited), it has some activities, it has various ways to spend time. I miss having a 'real' grocery nearby, as well as a Target, Kohl's, Ulta, Marshall's, Trader Joe's, Costco.
I am sick of living apart from HoosierGuy. I know something has to give. Living apart is not good for us for the long term. I am tired of it. His job search is not going spectacularly well here - which is another stressor. I miss having my life partner around to talk, to laugh, to enjoy.
I miss my family. Being 7 hours away makes for lonely times. I wish they were closer, or I was closer. Not seeing my nephew regularly is terrible.
I am not making friends like I'd hoped I would. Coworkers, sure, I like them. Let's be real though, it is hard to develop friendships with coworkers if they are not all that into it. So there's that.
I am just not in a good place, I guess. It seems that when one part of my life is good, the others fall apart. If this is being grown, it sucks.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Four years.
Four years and a few months ago (or so) was the last time I blogged.
I used to blog daily.
What I have failed to mention in four years:
I used to blog daily.
What I have failed to mention in four years:
- I finally completed my PhD.
- I moved, to rural Western PA to pursue a job there.
- HoosierGuy and I are still together, although many states apart at the present time.
I guess that's the big news.
The rest is the normal slog of life - work, sleep, eat, repeat.
*****************
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
12 years ... and a lifetime ago
Today is 9/11. I don't know if I've posted about 9/11 before, but here I sit, watching 102 Minutes That Changed History on the History Channel.
I've watched this before, it is hard to turn away.
On September 11, 2001 I was working as a State Tax Specialist for CIC Enterprises, a company based on the north side of Indianapolis. I had just taken the job that summer and already knew that it was a bad fit for me -- it was clear that the job and I were a mismatch for a plethora of reasons. I was in my cube, working on my work that morning, listening to WTTS on the radio. We could have radios at my workplace, but only if they were on, softly, so no one else could hear. The news guy broke into the song playing and said a plane had hit the World Trade Center -- then, in what seemed like seconds later, he announced a SECOND plane had hit. I remember standing up suddenly, feeling dizzy and looking around to see if anyone else had their radios on, or perhaps had heard the same news. Another coworker had her radio on and she and I both looked at each other in disbelief.
The news spread quickly and a television was found -- and we watched the news. Some time later that morning, maybe an hour later, our boss came around and told us to get back to work, there was lots to do and we had a lot of reports due to go out in the next few weeks.
I knew then, as I know now, that things would never be the same. A whole country and world had changed. I also knew that "getting back to work" was just another phrase used to try to bring a sense of normal to the unreal.
That night I went over to the Hex's brother and sister-in-law's house for dinner, a family dinner, to bring us all together. I don't remember much about that night other than thinking that I had a business trip in a couple of weeks and I didn't want to fly.
Two weeks later I did fly, to Omaha. Seeing National Guard troops and Army in the airport with machine guns is a sight I will never forget. It was both comforting and surreal.
May we all remember today, remember those lost and remember the day the world changed forever.
I've watched this before, it is hard to turn away.
On September 11, 2001 I was working as a State Tax Specialist for CIC Enterprises, a company based on the north side of Indianapolis. I had just taken the job that summer and already knew that it was a bad fit for me -- it was clear that the job and I were a mismatch for a plethora of reasons. I was in my cube, working on my work that morning, listening to WTTS on the radio. We could have radios at my workplace, but only if they were on, softly, so no one else could hear. The news guy broke into the song playing and said a plane had hit the World Trade Center -- then, in what seemed like seconds later, he announced a SECOND plane had hit. I remember standing up suddenly, feeling dizzy and looking around to see if anyone else had their radios on, or perhaps had heard the same news. Another coworker had her radio on and she and I both looked at each other in disbelief.
The news spread quickly and a television was found -- and we watched the news. Some time later that morning, maybe an hour later, our boss came around and told us to get back to work, there was lots to do and we had a lot of reports due to go out in the next few weeks.
I knew then, as I know now, that things would never be the same. A whole country and world had changed. I also knew that "getting back to work" was just another phrase used to try to bring a sense of normal to the unreal.
That night I went over to the Hex's brother and sister-in-law's house for dinner, a family dinner, to bring us all together. I don't remember much about that night other than thinking that I had a business trip in a couple of weeks and I didn't want to fly.
Two weeks later I did fly, to Omaha. Seeing National Guard troops and Army in the airport with machine guns is a sight I will never forget. It was both comforting and surreal.
May we all remember today, remember those lost and remember the day the world changed forever.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Silence, the blessed sound of nothing.
I suppose silence isn't so much nothing, but the absence of the yammering of unwanted mouths, the endless pings and rings of cell phones, the music people share (that no one else wants to hear). Silence, my dear friends, is the endangered species of the digital age.
Case in point: my commute in this morning.
I first take my car to the train station, approximately 2 miles from the house. I then climb aboard the South Shore Railroad for my trip into Chicago (approx 2 hours), then walk from Millennium Station to the Washington Street stop for the Chicago Transit Authority Blue Line. I then take the Blue line to the University of Illinois at Chicago. All told, my commute is approx 2.5 hours, one-way.
At only one time during this 2.5 hour journey, am I alone. That lowly 2 mile commute to the train station from my house is the one time I spend truly alone, just me, my car and likely NPR. If I am lucky, I will catch a good story, if I am not, I change to music. Let's call this part of my trip 10 minutes, just for grins.
I now have 2 hours, 40 minutes left. During this entire 2 hours, 40 minutes, I am surrounded by people. Sometimes people I know, but more often than not, total strangers. We share close quarters, indoor space, punctuated by the comings and goings of fellow passengers. It isn't wholly unpleasant, but it is not the private, confined space of your own personal automobile.
This morning I had to endure the following:
Case in point: my commute in this morning.
I first take my car to the train station, approximately 2 miles from the house. I then climb aboard the South Shore Railroad for my trip into Chicago (approx 2 hours), then walk from Millennium Station to the Washington Street stop for the Chicago Transit Authority Blue Line. I then take the Blue line to the University of Illinois at Chicago. All told, my commute is approx 2.5 hours, one-way.
At only one time during this 2.5 hour journey, am I alone. That lowly 2 mile commute to the train station from my house is the one time I spend truly alone, just me, my car and likely NPR. If I am lucky, I will catch a good story, if I am not, I change to music. Let's call this part of my trip 10 minutes, just for grins.
I now have 2 hours, 40 minutes left. During this entire 2 hours, 40 minutes, I am surrounded by people. Sometimes people I know, but more often than not, total strangers. We share close quarters, indoor space, punctuated by the comings and goings of fellow passengers. It isn't wholly unpleasant, but it is not the private, confined space of your own personal automobile.
This morning I had to endure the following:
- A woman (on the South Shore) and a man (in the Washington CTA station) who insisted on sharing their choice of music with all.
- A group of college-age people who shared videos on their phones with one another, at full blast.
- A man who insisted on sharing his opinions on everything (although NO ONE asked him to).
- Several cell phones, ringing endlessly without being picked up. I do not know the reasons why, but I assume it has to do with the flagrant ineptness of said cell phones' owners and their ignorance of the vibrate/silent feature.
It is days like today that I feel the age of civilization is as close to an end as it ever has been. The "civil" part of civilization has been wrenched from its moorings, tossed asunder by the relentless onslaught of selfish bastards thinking only of themselves.
As much as I love my commute (and I do) and I love taking public transit (I do), there are days I understand why people would much rather just get in their own car, in their own personal realm of joy & peace, than ever make contact with another human between home and work. It is days like today that I arrive to my destination with a belly full of bile and an urge to spew it.
Lucky you, dear readers, you get to hear all about it.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Ya know, for a girl who used to like to blog (er, blather)
So, two *2* whole posts all of last year.
No posts to date this year.
What does this tell you?
(go ahead, take a moment, I'll cue the Final Jeopardy music)
Guesses?
yes, you are right, PhD coursework! Lack of sleep! No willpower to blog! Exhausted beyond measure!
And to be honest (gulp) I didn't realize it had been this long.
So an update is in order.
Still in the PhD program, this is the last semester of coursework.
Still an insomniac
Still with darling HoosierGuy
Added one cat (Tom, Thomas, To-mas, Greycat, the Big One)
Still living in NW Indiana
Still riding the South Shore regularly (no good stories lately, alas)
Anything new?
Well, I have a paper that will be presented at a conference in April. I nearly have a dissertation topic nailed down. I have arranged to write another paper this summer with another faculty member. I am working on a couple of papers with another faculty member. I am a TA for a statistics class (no laughing please), I am a research assistant for the other part of my job.
Did I mention I don't sleep well? ;)
Things I don't do:
see my friends as often as I'd like (I miss you guys)
drink enough beer/gin/wine (I miss this too)
sleep enough (maybe some day)
cut back on caffeine (I gave it up before but I NEED it now)
worry about working out (I give my heart a workout via stress)
get enough reading done at any point in time (I'm perpetually behind)
So that's me. How are you?
No posts to date this year.
What does this tell you?
(go ahead, take a moment, I'll cue the Final Jeopardy music)
Guesses?
yes, you are right, PhD coursework! Lack of sleep! No willpower to blog! Exhausted beyond measure!
And to be honest (gulp) I didn't realize it had been this long.
So an update is in order.
Still in the PhD program, this is the last semester of coursework.
Still an insomniac
Still with darling HoosierGuy
Added one cat (Tom, Thomas, To-mas, Greycat, the Big One)
Still living in NW Indiana
Still riding the South Shore regularly (no good stories lately, alas)
Anything new?
Well, I have a paper that will be presented at a conference in April. I nearly have a dissertation topic nailed down. I have arranged to write another paper this summer with another faculty member. I am working on a couple of papers with another faculty member. I am a TA for a statistics class (no laughing please), I am a research assistant for the other part of my job.
Did I mention I don't sleep well? ;)
Things I don't do:
see my friends as often as I'd like (I miss you guys)
drink enough beer/gin/wine (I miss this too)
sleep enough (maybe some day)
cut back on caffeine (I gave it up before but I NEED it now)
worry about working out (I give my heart a workout via stress)
get enough reading done at any point in time (I'm perpetually behind)
So that's me. How are you?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Two weeks ...
Hello out there!
In two short weeks I will wrap up my first year of doctoral work. Yes. I can hardly believe it, speak it or even think it.
What I dreamed of in May 2010 at my dear friend Anna's house is now not only reality, but beyond all my wildest dreams and imagination.
A couple of things ...
yes, I'm alive
no, I still don't have free time yet
yes, I'm ready to be done for the year
no, I am not taking the summer off
yes, I'm writing a paper with one of my professors where I will be *lead* author. (so excited!)
no, I don't know how long it will take to churn out
yes, I'm hoping it will be published and I'll get some conference presentations out of it.
no, it's probably not a topic you'd find interesting
yes, I find it interesting (social security disability claims)
no, I haven't lost my mind, I do think it is interesting.
yes, you'll hear all about it. A million times probably.
In two short weeks I will wrap up my first year of doctoral work. Yes. I can hardly believe it, speak it or even think it.
What I dreamed of in May 2010 at my dear friend Anna's house is now not only reality, but beyond all my wildest dreams and imagination.
A couple of things ...
yes, I'm alive
no, I still don't have free time yet
yes, I'm ready to be done for the year
no, I am not taking the summer off
yes, I'm writing a paper with one of my professors where I will be *lead* author. (so excited!)
no, I don't know how long it will take to churn out
yes, I'm hoping it will be published and I'll get some conference presentations out of it.
no, it's probably not a topic you'd find interesting
yes, I find it interesting (social security disability claims)
no, I haven't lost my mind, I do think it is interesting.
yes, you'll hear all about it. A million times probably.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Yeah, yeah, I'm alive.
Alive.
Teaching one class, attending three of my own. I sleep, I eat, I travel by train, I attend class, I travel by train, ... repeat.
I continue to love where I live and whom I live with :) I am a happy, lucky girl.
I'll blog more in mid-March or in May. My life should be in better condition then.
Love to all ...
Teaching one class, attending three of my own. I sleep, I eat, I travel by train, I attend class, I travel by train, ... repeat.
I continue to love where I live and whom I live with :) I am a happy, lucky girl.
I'll blog more in mid-March or in May. My life should be in better condition then.
Love to all ...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Semester One and Done.
Believe it or not, I am 25% through the coursework I need for my Ph.D. Yes, just coursework, dear people, as following the end of that, I'm on my own, researching like a madwoman and attempting to make some new argument that will pass muster with my professors.
So, probably 3.5 years until done. Maybe a little less, hopefully no more.
I've learned a lot this first semester -- including the fact that my time is no longer my own. My past jobs were all busy, lots to do, lots of work outside of 'working' hours but this ... THIS ... is another animal entirely.
I have no free time. Even while I sleep I am working. Sounds silly, yes? Well many many weeks of insomnia coupled with school-related dreams have convinced me that my brain does not shut off as I leave campus or even as I close my eyes. I have been a perpetual ball of stress these past few months. I'm not sure if my stomach will ever un-knot itself. Just thinking of it makes me feel a little nauseated.
For what? I've wanted this degree for so long - thought of it, dreamed of it, wished to make it happen. Now I'm living it and there are days I'm not so sure. I know everyone goes through this at some point (hell, I've been through it in my working life plenty of times) and I know I just have to buckle down and get things done.
So here I am. Today I'm back on campus, just four short days after leaving it for the semester. I returned today to learn about Blackboard, a web-based system that I'll use for my class this semester. Yes, I'm teaching, in addition to taking three classes. I don't know whether this is good or bad, but what I do know is that I'll be busy, no doubt about it. I'll be on campus four days per week. Monday - Thursday. I'll stay up here one night a week (as otherwise the train + sleep + class schedules just don't mesh) and that makes me kinda sad -- but it's okay. It's one semester. I can do it.
I often feel like I'm reciting the train song in my head ... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
As for Hoosier Guy, well ... he's learned that my brain doesn't shut off, that I'm occasionally in a blind focus about certain topics and that he has displayed great kindness and patience towards me and my school schedule. I'm glad we are together. He has made this whole transition easier and I know that we will grow stronger because of this.
My family & my friends? I'm not sure they know what to think other than it appears I'm busy a lot. Which I am.
Life as I know it -- so different than I expected and still good.
So, probably 3.5 years until done. Maybe a little less, hopefully no more.
I've learned a lot this first semester -- including the fact that my time is no longer my own. My past jobs were all busy, lots to do, lots of work outside of 'working' hours but this ... THIS ... is another animal entirely.
I have no free time. Even while I sleep I am working. Sounds silly, yes? Well many many weeks of insomnia coupled with school-related dreams have convinced me that my brain does not shut off as I leave campus or even as I close my eyes. I have been a perpetual ball of stress these past few months. I'm not sure if my stomach will ever un-knot itself. Just thinking of it makes me feel a little nauseated.
For what? I've wanted this degree for so long - thought of it, dreamed of it, wished to make it happen. Now I'm living it and there are days I'm not so sure. I know everyone goes through this at some point (hell, I've been through it in my working life plenty of times) and I know I just have to buckle down and get things done.
So here I am. Today I'm back on campus, just four short days after leaving it for the semester. I returned today to learn about Blackboard, a web-based system that I'll use for my class this semester. Yes, I'm teaching, in addition to taking three classes. I don't know whether this is good or bad, but what I do know is that I'll be busy, no doubt about it. I'll be on campus four days per week. Monday - Thursday. I'll stay up here one night a week (as otherwise the train + sleep + class schedules just don't mesh) and that makes me kinda sad -- but it's okay. It's one semester. I can do it.
I often feel like I'm reciting the train song in my head ... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
As for Hoosier Guy, well ... he's learned that my brain doesn't shut off, that I'm occasionally in a blind focus about certain topics and that he has displayed great kindness and patience towards me and my school schedule. I'm glad we are together. He has made this whole transition easier and I know that we will grow stronger because of this.
My family & my friends? I'm not sure they know what to think other than it appears I'm busy a lot. Which I am.
Life as I know it -- so different than I expected and still good.
Monday, November 14, 2011
It's My Birthday!
It has been a completely wonderful, fantastic, unbelievable weekend - truly a whole weekend of happiness.
My life is good :)
Fun trip to the Museum of Science and Industry + delicious dinner at the Athena restaurant in Chicago's Greektown on Friday to celebrate the Hoosier Guy & my 1st anniversary together.
A day of homework, then a fabulous dinner with Hoosier Guy and his momma on Saturday night -- Hoosier Guy surprised me with some pretty jewelry I'd been eyeing a few weeks back.
Sunday was a delicious lunch prepared by Hoosier Guy to my specifications for his momma, my momma, himself and me. Coconut Cake TO DIE FOR. mmmmmm.
Lots of laughs, lots of fun -- enjoyed every minute.
Here's to 38!
My life is good :)
Fun trip to the Museum of Science and Industry + delicious dinner at the Athena restaurant in Chicago's Greektown on Friday to celebrate the Hoosier Guy & my 1st anniversary together.
A day of homework, then a fabulous dinner with Hoosier Guy and his momma on Saturday night -- Hoosier Guy surprised me with some pretty jewelry I'd been eyeing a few weeks back.
Sunday was a delicious lunch prepared by Hoosier Guy to my specifications for his momma, my momma, himself and me. Coconut Cake TO DIE FOR. mmmmmm.
Lots of laughs, lots of fun -- enjoyed every minute.
Here's to 38!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
There goes October, here comes November
September 29, really? My last post?
Where has the time gone?
*Another 5,000 pages+ read
*A book review
*Research for three lit reviews
*Reading. Yes. Always.
*Sleeping (occasionally)
*Travel to Florida to deliver Grandma to Dad & Stepmom's house
*Visit with friends in Florida
*Travel to Michigan with Hoosier Guy for romantic weekend
*Breathe peacefully for the first time in a month
More later ... I don't know how much later, but later. Promise
Where has the time gone?
*Another 5,000 pages+ read
*A book review
*Research for three lit reviews
*Reading. Yes. Always.
*Sleeping (occasionally)
*Travel to Florida to deliver Grandma to Dad & Stepmom's house
*Visit with friends in Florida
*Travel to Michigan with Hoosier Guy for romantic weekend
*Breathe peacefully for the first time in a month
More later ... I don't know how much later, but later. Promise
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